The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
