Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
