Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
