Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
