I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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