Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
