My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
