and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
