Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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