im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I forgot how hot balto sounded
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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