i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize