I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
