the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
