the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
two words...techno handjob
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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