you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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