Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
