I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
