I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
