so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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