So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
