We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
