You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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