I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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