Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
