My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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