My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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