I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
