She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
