I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
