Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
