Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize