If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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