So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize