To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
