i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
