Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
