i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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