Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm too high and old for this...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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