I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
