he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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