a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
