I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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