When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Drunk is a universal language darling
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