You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize