The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I wish there were birth control emojis
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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