Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
