Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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