barbara walters just said penis...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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