Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
