I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
