His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
