dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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