How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
