Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
