I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
