Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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