I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
